Grief

I have had this topic on my heart for sometime, but I have put off writing on it. Firstly, because it is so present with me in this current season of my life, and I fear that I may have a completely different understanding of it when I eventually reach the point where it is not so raw. Secondly, because I tell myself that I am in no way an expert on grief, nor have I suffered anything close to what others have. Even 2 nights ago I sat down to start this blog, and stopped when I saw a story and photo of a mother cradling her stillborn child in her arms. As a mother of 2 healthy little girls, I cannot begin to comprehend that grief. I also cannot comprehend the grief of those who have suffered in war torn countries, where they have seen children and family members tortured or killed; I cannot even begin to understand their suffering.
However, the topic will not leave me alone and so here I am, putting my thoughts onto paper, in the hope that my grief, while different to another’s, is still valid, and may be an encouragement to another who is suffering, that they are not alone. I’ll make this ‘Part One’...I’m sure there will be a ‘Part Two’ someday.
What is grief? The Oxford dictionary defines it as ‘Intense sorrow’. I think this is an accurate definition, but there is so much depth behind those simple words. It is a sorrow, a sadness, so intense that it is tangible. It is an almost physical manifestation of the devastation within. It is an overwhelming sadness that can well up in the blink of an eye and leave you blindsided, wondering where the tidal wave of emotion came from.
I am sure that everyone has experienced grief, at least on some level. The loss of a loved one, when just a scent, an image, a song lyric brings them back to you in an instant and you feel the loss so intensely. There is the loss of identity when we lose a job, fail an exam, lose a friend. There are so many times in our lives that we grieve, and we feel these in different ways and over different time periods.
However there is a certain grief that remains, even when the initial cause is long in the past. When you think that you are finally moving forward and then 1 single memory, 1 stray thought, 1 silly song lyric has you soaking the floor with your tears and struggling to breathe.
In the last 2 years I have lost so much. I have lost my best friend, and all of the hopes, dreams and plans of our future together. I have lost the family unit that should have been. I have lost friends as time and distance have separated us. I have lost self confidence, and in many ways lost my identity. The heartbreak and grief have been exceedingly painful and raw, and at times all consuming. It can be overwhelming at times, hitting you like a ton of bricks, and you wonder how you can possibly make it through another minute let alone another day. If this is you, I know how you feel.
But here are just a few things that I have learned through this time:
1. It’s ok to give in to the grief at times. Let it out. Feel it. It’s ok to hurt, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to feel like it’s not fair. Sometimes in order to move forward you have to allow yourself to acknowledge the loss. You will have times when you are doing ok, and then something throws you back in to the grief and you feel like you’re right back where you started. But you’re not!! A wise person told me that it is more like a spiral, and while you feel like you are back in the same place you were last time, you are actually moving closer to the top, and away from the grief.
2. Forgiveness is releasing and healing. Not all grief requires forgiveness but some does. And I am learning that often the hardest person to forgive is myself. But even forgiving others is more about me than them. It allows me to let go of any bonds of anger or resentment, and to love them with a love that can only come from God. It might not change the forgiven person but it changes me. It releases me to move forward & to choose to love rather than resent.
3. Find joy and things to be grateful for in each day. I am grateful for the two beautiful girls who light up my life. I am grateful for all of my past experiences, for the fun times and the hard times. I am grateful for my friends and loving, supportive family. I am grateful for an amazing job and amazing opportunities. And I am eternally grateful for my Heavenly Father who gets me through each day!
 People may let you down, heck, you might let yourself down!! But God will not. He hears you. He knows. Go to him with all the hurt, the anger, the sorrow. Someone once told me that ‘He’s got big enough shoulders, He can take it!’ So I have taken it all to Him!! I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, I’ve told him I can’t go on & lain on my floor in a tear-streaked mess!! And He hasn’t told me to pull it together, He hasn’t bombarded me with bible passages, He’s held me, He’s reminded me that He knows, He understands, and He’s with me through this. And when I finally scrape myself off the floor and open His word He without fail gives me a verse that reminds me that He is Faithful.
This is a time to grow. This season has caused me to rely 100% on God, has drawn me closer to Him & I believe it is making me a kinder, more patient, More mature person. Don’t get me wrong, most days I’m just keeping my head above water, and some days I’m not. But I believe that God will use this time to refine me, get rid of some of my imperfections & make me more like Him. We learn from pain. “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:3-4‬
It will not last forever. It’s hard for me to say this right now. Honestly it often feels like a tunnel with no light at the end. But God has promised that it will not last forever and I hold on to those promises. Jeremiah 29:11 promises a hope and a future. He’s promised to be with us through it all. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬ ‭He never promises that it will be easy, but He does promise to be with us. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬
I certainly don’t have all the answers. And grief, sorrow & pain are soooo hard. They take time. They change us. All I know is this. If you let Him, God will see you through it. And one day there truly will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.
XO