"Annie"

I had every intention of making my second blog a funny one, to lighten the mood a little. Thought maybe a topic like ‘potty training by distance’ might be just the thing!! But there is something much more personal that I’ve had on my heart to share, and no matter how hard I try to push it back down inside, it comes back to me everyday. So, I hope that if I share this, it might help someone else out there who might just be going through something similar.

Sooooo….early January I found out I was pregnant. To cut a long story short, my hubby and I had decided to start trying for number two, and to my disbelief, we fell pregnant straight away (it was a long wait the first time!!). I cannot possibly put into words how excited I was, as I had been longing to have another child for some time. I found out on New Year’s Day, the timing felt perfect, and we excitedly announced it to close family at my daughter’s second birthday party. Unfortunately, two days later, I lost the baby.

It is so very hard to put into words the heartbreak and both emotional and mental toil that ensued. I literally cried for 2 days straight!! I was caught in a strange and heartbreaking juxtaposition between my medical knowledge, Christian understanding and very human emotion.

From a doctor’s perspective, that fetus was obviously not viable, and it really was for the best that it happened at 6 weeks, when it all happened naturally, rather than further along. But no matter how hard I reasoned with myself, and tried to think logically about it as my brain said I should, I couldn’t shake the searing pain in my heart or stop the tears. The disappointment and loss were amazing given I only new about the little life for 5 days before it was gone.

From a Christian perspective, I believe that everything is in God’s hands, and obviously whether or not it was meant to be, God means to work it out for good. I’m sure I will look back on it one day and understand. And really, if I have to wait months or years to get pregnant again, or am never able to have another child, I am still blessed beyond belief with my beautiful little girl. And I know that there are millions of women and families out there who have been through much worse…never been able to fall pregnant, gone through a still birth or lost a child. What I have been through is nothing compared to their loss. In fact, a large proportion of women have at least one miscarriage in their lives. And I may very well be blessed enough to fall pregnant again in another month or so, and all of this may seem silly and petty. But all of that understanding doesn’t change the fact that I grieve the loss of that baby that was so wanted and so loved already. I prayed until my head was pounding with the tears that I would not lose that baby. But I did.

Because all knowledge, logic and understanding aside, I am human. I was overjoyed to be pregnant. We had already begun to make plans. We had shared the happy news with our family. I had fallen in love with the little life already. No amount of medical knowledge or understanding could change that. And while the acute emotion and grief has passed, it still hurts. While I mostly am ok and have moved on, each month when I am still not pregnant, I am reminded of the life I lost. When I hear other people’s happy news, I am happy for them but a little bit sad inside. And yet I feel guilty if I am sad, because others go through much more, and I have seen many other women at work go through miscarriages and much worse. Who am I to think that what I have been through is anything compared to the grief of the mother whose toddler was killed when a tree fell on their house in a freak storm a week or so ago? Or the parents I met last year whose son lost his hands and feet, and very nearly lost his life to meningococcal?? Or the millions of people worldwide suffering in disease epidemics or war-torn places?

But I want to share this because I think it is ok to mourn. I think it’s ok to know that medically it was for the best, but still hurt because a life has been lost and the hope and joy is gone. It’s ok to know that God has a plan, but still go to Him in tears because it hurts. Jesus wept at his friend’s death, so surely it’s ok for me to weep. And I want you to know that no matter what you might be going through, big or small, it’s ok to hurt. The sun will shine again and life goes on, but for a time it’s ok to mourn.

“Oh Annie,

I still think of you each time I see the sun.

Didn’t want a life without you,

but here I am, living one”

– Brooke Fraser, “Ice on her lashes”

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28

P.S. I will still write the potty training blog at some point!!!