Lonliness
I have had a couple of blog ideas in my head for at least a month, but I just haven't had time to get them down! So I am finally putting this one into words, and saving the other up for another day!
I live a very solitary life. Don't get me wrong, I spend my life surrounded by people. But I often feel like I'm living in my own little world, or a bubble, bumping up against other people along the way, but not really connecting. It sometimes feels like I'm watching my life from outside it, and listening to the commentary and soundtrack in my head.
I've been dwelling on this a bit lately, and I think there are many reasons for it.
Firstly, I work long hours, and my job changes regularly. I do have a few close work friends, but most of the time work is long, stressful and busy and I tend to make acquaintances, but not deep friendships. It's hard to be motivated to give significantly of yourself to others when you are likely to move on in a few months and never see them again. Not to mention that I have enough trouble finding time for my out of work friendships, let alone starting new ones at work!! Another aspect of my job is that the long hours and shift work mean I spend a lot of time away from my family, which tends to leave me feeling lonely, because the people I love the most I can't be with. Walking empty hospital halls at 2am when most people are home in bed with their families makes for a lonely existence at times. I also struggle to find time for social events, for catching up with friends and I miss a lot of church. Therefore the places where others have meaningful relationships, I am often struggling to be at.
Secondly, I think my somewhat nomadic life has made me both cautious in friendships and also somewhat awkward at times. We moved a lot when I was younger, which I actually loved and still do. in fact, I feel like I've been in one place already too long and need to move on! However, forever moving schools and making new friends, one eventually tends to be cautious not to become too attached or the goodbyes are too painful. I think when my family came back from the mission field I experienced this most poignantly. I was in Year 11 and had to leave some of the most meaningful friendships of my life...the loneliness coming home was made all the more piercing because of the associated culture shock. But at least while at school it was still relatively easy to make friends. It became much more difficult once I was at Uni, as I would often meet someone that I would stick with for a semester, but then we would be in different classes the following semester and move on.
My life experiences have also meant that I am different to most people around me, and sometimes find it hard to have things in common with other people my age, in particular other young women. Being the oldest in my family, and with my parents often both working and studying, or doing mission work, I often had the responsibility of a fair amount of the house work, or looking after my siblings. I therefore tended to be old for my age, and gravitated to making friends with people older than me. I just wasn't interested in the things other girls my age were interested in (i.e. boys, pop music, clothes). I remember getting so sick of the stupid behaviour of my friends at school that at one stage I spent every lunchtime playing basketball with the boys. Having been a missionary kids, I have seen things most people I know haven't seen or even imagined. I have been blessed with a bigger world view, and my parents have instilled in me a love for God and both compassion and responsibility for those less fortunate than myself. But I run the risk of assuming that those who are not in the same place as me are shallow or silly, rather than realising that they are just coming from different perspectives.
I haven't been able to keep a group of old school friends; there are not many people I can call up when I do have the occasional time off to say, "hey, do you want to catch up?" Getting married has given me my best friend, but it too tends to decrease the number of friendships you have, as you must invest more into that 1 friendship, rather than in to many.
I think social media has also worsened our loneliness. Never before have we had 100s of friends, and yet know so little about them and have so many that we never see. I have a friend of the family who had a little girl 1 week after I had Indi. They were both due on the same day. Through Instagram we are watching each other's daughter's grow up, but we never really connect; we never meet in person and our girls have never met. It's nice that we can share in each other's lives, but it saddens me that this is the quality of the majority of our friendships.
Having said all of this, with time and age I have come to appreciate how precious a few, deep friendships can be. That I can count on one hand my most important and deepest friendships (excluding family) that I have doesn't really bother me. Because I would rather a few friends whom I know are there for me no matter what, who love me the way I am, with all of my quirks and failures, and who last the test of time and distance, because in their company it feels like no time has passed. I would rather just a handful of those friends, than buckets of friends I have to try to impress, or prove something to, or who are here one day and gone the next. But it does take effort, dedication, and most of all time, to create and grow these friendships. They don't just happen. You have to give of yourself, be vulnerable, make sacrifices, be a listening ear, and be generous, especially with your time.
Even Jesus, who was surrounded by crowds of people, had 12 close friends He confided in and spent the majority of his time with. And because of Him, even in my loneliest times I know I'm not really alone.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it can be a lonely journey, this life, sometimes. But all we really need are one or two friends who love us for who we are, and the knowledge that there is a Creator God who loves us unconditionally, and we're not really alone.
I live a very solitary life. Don't get me wrong, I spend my life surrounded by people. But I often feel like I'm living in my own little world, or a bubble, bumping up against other people along the way, but not really connecting. It sometimes feels like I'm watching my life from outside it, and listening to the commentary and soundtrack in my head.
I've been dwelling on this a bit lately, and I think there are many reasons for it.
Firstly, I work long hours, and my job changes regularly. I do have a few close work friends, but most of the time work is long, stressful and busy and I tend to make acquaintances, but not deep friendships. It's hard to be motivated to give significantly of yourself to others when you are likely to move on in a few months and never see them again. Not to mention that I have enough trouble finding time for my out of work friendships, let alone starting new ones at work!! Another aspect of my job is that the long hours and shift work mean I spend a lot of time away from my family, which tends to leave me feeling lonely, because the people I love the most I can't be with. Walking empty hospital halls at 2am when most people are home in bed with their families makes for a lonely existence at times. I also struggle to find time for social events, for catching up with friends and I miss a lot of church. Therefore the places where others have meaningful relationships, I am often struggling to be at.Secondly, I think my somewhat nomadic life has made me both cautious in friendships and also somewhat awkward at times. We moved a lot when I was younger, which I actually loved and still do. in fact, I feel like I've been in one place already too long and need to move on! However, forever moving schools and making new friends, one eventually tends to be cautious not to become too attached or the goodbyes are too painful. I think when my family came back from the mission field I experienced this most poignantly. I was in Year 11 and had to leave some of the most meaningful friendships of my life...the loneliness coming home was made all the more piercing because of the associated culture shock. But at least while at school it was still relatively easy to make friends. It became much more difficult once I was at Uni, as I would often meet someone that I would stick with for a semester, but then we would be in different classes the following semester and move on.
My life experiences have also meant that I am different to most people around me, and sometimes find it hard to have things in common with other people my age, in particular other young women. Being the oldest in my family, and with my parents often both working and studying, or doing mission work, I often had the responsibility of a fair amount of the house work, or looking after my siblings. I therefore tended to be old for my age, and gravitated to making friends with people older than me. I just wasn't interested in the things other girls my age were interested in (i.e. boys, pop music, clothes). I remember getting so sick of the stupid behaviour of my friends at school that at one stage I spent every lunchtime playing basketball with the boys. Having been a missionary kids, I have seen things most people I know haven't seen or even imagined. I have been blessed with a bigger world view, and my parents have instilled in me a love for God and both compassion and responsibility for those less fortunate than myself. But I run the risk of assuming that those who are not in the same place as me are shallow or silly, rather than realising that they are just coming from different perspectives.
I haven't been able to keep a group of old school friends; there are not many people I can call up when I do have the occasional time off to say, "hey, do you want to catch up?" Getting married has given me my best friend, but it too tends to decrease the number of friendships you have, as you must invest more into that 1 friendship, rather than in to many.
I think social media has also worsened our loneliness. Never before have we had 100s of friends, and yet know so little about them and have so many that we never see. I have a friend of the family who had a little girl 1 week after I had Indi. They were both due on the same day. Through Instagram we are watching each other's daughter's grow up, but we never really connect; we never meet in person and our girls have never met. It's nice that we can share in each other's lives, but it saddens me that this is the quality of the majority of our friendships.
Having said all of this, with time and age I have come to appreciate how precious a few, deep friendships can be. That I can count on one hand my most important and deepest friendships (excluding family) that I have doesn't really bother me. Because I would rather a few friends whom I know are there for me no matter what, who love me the way I am, with all of my quirks and failures, and who last the test of time and distance, because in their company it feels like no time has passed. I would rather just a handful of those friends, than buckets of friends I have to try to impress, or prove something to, or who are here one day and gone the next. But it does take effort, dedication, and most of all time, to create and grow these friendships. They don't just happen. You have to give of yourself, be vulnerable, make sacrifices, be a listening ear, and be generous, especially with your time.
Even Jesus, who was surrounded by crowds of people, had 12 close friends He confided in and spent the majority of his time with. And because of Him, even in my loneliest times I know I'm not really alone.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it can be a lonely journey, this life, sometimes. But all we really need are one or two friends who love us for who we are, and the knowledge that there is a Creator God who loves us unconditionally, and we're not really alone.
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| Enjoying a walk along the coast while stuck down there on call all weekend |
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