A funny old Easter

It’s funny how for a few weeks there can be nothing to say, and then out of one moment, really, one flaw in my character showing through, the words are tumbling over themselves in my head, almost too fast for clarity.

Yesterday was one of those days, when my human nature was totally at war with who I want to be and who I believe I’m created to be…and it all happened in a moment. I was about 1½ hrs off finishing my 24hr on call shift, and I was looking forward with great expectation to all that Easter Sunday had in store…I was going to race back to Brisbane in time for my church’s Easter service which I was really looking forward to, especially as Good Friday was washed out, and after working ½ the weekend I wanted some time to reflect on the amazing love story that is Easter. I was going to get some much-needed family time, and would see my baby all dressed up in the Easter outfit I had picked out for her. I was then going to enjoy watching her excitedly hunt for eggs for the first year (last year she was a bit little for an egg hunt) and spend time with my hubby, in addition to getting some much needed rest. I was literally reading over the Easter story on my bible app at work when I got a text from my colleague who was due to take over from me that morning to say that she was in Emergency with her own daughter who was quite unwell.

I was NOT prepared for the tidal wave of emotions that rushed over me…sadness for her, a desire to be gracious and help her out…but unfortunately the strongest emotion was that of utter disappointment and frustration that I was not likely to be able to leave work on time as I had hoped.

My baby in her Easter outfit..photo by Daddy!

As the next few hours unfolded, the battle raged in my mind. On the one hand I wanted so badly to be kind, and gracious and cover my colleague for as long she needed. If it were my daughter who was sick, I would hope she would do the same. On the other hand, as I first realised I would not make it to church, and then when it became apparent that there was a high chance I would have to stay on for another 24hrs I was devastated. I was trying to do my ward round while blinking back tears thinking about having to wait another 24hrs to see my little girl, and not getting to see her hunt for eggs. Yet I was trying to keep it together, focus on my patients and show grace to my colleague. As the morning continued, I was slowly able to let go of the disappointment, focus on the job at hand and come to terms with staying for another day.  Some of this came from wanting to do my best at work… most of it was God-given strength I prayed for silently in my head over and over again. But I struggled then with anger at myself for being soooo selfish, and actually being frustrated at my colleague for being stuck with her sick daughter!! I was even more upset with myself when I realised that her daughter really was quite sick and was being admitted to hospital with an infection.  In the end, God had it all in his hands. My boss was very supportive, and grateful that I stayed, and he ended up organising someone else to come so that I got to leave just after midday, rather than staying until the following morning. I didn’t get to church, and I didn’t see my daughter all dressed up, but I did get to watch her hunt for Easter eggs and spent the evening watching a Disney movie with her. And I was able to speak to my colleague, put her mind at ease and allow her to forget about work and concentrate on her little one.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am constantly fighting this internal battle…who I naturally seem to be and who I want to be are so far apart!! For example I am endeavouring to be a ‘nice’ female surgical registrar. You may say, ‘so what?’ but to be honest, female registrars don’t have a great reputation. Maybe it is because surgery is a hard life, and is still not that friendly to women, and so the women who choose to do it tend to become hard and put up walls to protect themselves, and so can often come across as uncaring or rude. It also tends to wear you down; the hours, the time away from family, the rubbish referrals interspersed with the occasional good one!! It is easy to become sarcastic, grumpy and rude.  I am even told by some of my colleagues and Bosses that I need to be harder – it’s almost (but not quite!) a pre-requisite for being a surgeon!!! It is hard sometimes to be gracious when the Intern who has been a doctor for all of 5min calls you to refer a patient and they haven’t even examined the patient themselves. It’s hard to be gracious when you have spent several hours in emergency and 5min after you leave they call you back. It’s hard to be gracious when you have been up all night and get yet another call.

Yet that is what I want to be. I want to understand where they are coming from, and not scare the poor little Intern off making future referrals. I want to understand that they are just doing their job, and that the patient is all I should really be caring about. And I want to do my job in such a way that everyone who works with me will know that there is something different, so that someday I might have the chance to tell them that that something different is actually Someone, Someone who loves me despite my selfish, perfectionistic, proud yet self abasing nature, and who sacrificed everything for me.

I think the apostle Paul puts it so confusingly well in Romans 7:15-20 when he says, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do” and “I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.” I am totally flawed, and so far from the person I strive to be (just ask my hubby hahaha)…but as I try to give each day to God, remember the amazing Grace he has given me, and make choices based on grace, mercy and love, rather than fatigue, frustration and anger…maybe I will get a little bit closer to being that person I long to be, and maybe one day the strongest emotion will be compassion, not disappointment.