Role reversal

I have been thinking for over a year and a half about starting a blog.  I’ve always been a bit hesitant. I guess because I’ve been scared it would come across as self-indulgent, or attention seeking. And if I’m honest, I’m scared no one would be interested in reading it.  But as I’ve thought about it, there are a few reasons to write one.

Firstly, it might be somewhat therapeutic for me to get all of the thoughts, stories and musings that are continually going on in my head down onto ‘paper’.  After all, I have a running commentary going on in my head most of the time! Secondly, in my experience, there are not that many Christian, female surgical registrars out there who are juggling family and work, all while endeavouring to keep God as the centre. It might therefore be some comfort or encouragement to anyone out there attempting the same to stick at it! Thirdly, it might give those of you who already know me a little insight into why I am the way I am!! As far as the name goes, pins and needles, or 'paraesthesias' are the somewhat painful sensations you get when a limb or part of your body 'goes to sleep' (i.e. has had some of the blood supply cut off to it temporarily). It's a warning to you to move that part of your body so that it does not become permanently damaged. I think there is a parallel to lessons learned in our lives; lessons that might be painful, but save us from irreparable damage in the long run, whether it be in relationships, career choices or other areas. And it alludes to the medical bias in my blog!!

So, here goes…

This week I’ve been struggling a bit with being the main bread winner and the way that that has led to a bit of a role reversal for my husband and I. I’ve never really been the stay at home type, and I never really thought it would be hard to be working full time. But something definitely changed in me after I had my daughter, who is now 2. I found that all I wanted to do was spend time with her, and that going to work and leaving her behind was a heart wrenching experience that no one and nothing could have prepared me for. Nothing prepares you for the love you experience for your own child, and how hard it is to say goodbye all the time! Especially when I went back to work when she was 10 weeks old. Now, I’m all for equal rights, and I truly believe that I am SUPPOSED to be a doctor, a surgeon, and heal people. But having my daughter has shown me that no matter how much we fight for equal rights for men and women, and while it is perfectly fine for mums to work and dads to stay home, men and women were created differently. You don’t have to be a Christian to see that men and women are wired differently, and there is something in a woman that wants to nurture her child, have a nice home and take care of her family. And while at times my hubby might think it’s nice to stay home and work part time, deep down he is still wired to want to provide for and protect his family, and he sometimes struggles with not being the main bread winner. Now, I know I'm generalising, and there are plenty of women who are more career focused than some men and have no interest in children. But I still think deep down there are some fundamental differences between us. Hey, the concept is keeping the book publishing companies busy!! Obviously this is something I’ve been thinking about for a couple of years, but it came to a bit of a head this week when I found myself suddenly in tears because my hubby didn't like the bed I wanted to get for our room!! Stupid, right? But before you judge me as a basket case, hehe, you have to understand that over the last few years, it’s not just with regards to taking care of our daughter that our roles have changed. I have always cooked dinner, done the house cleaning, and taken joy in having a tidy house. I’m a bit neurotic when it comes to things being clean, so it’s often easier if I just do it myself!! I also take great joy in decorating the house the way I like it, so that it’s a welcoming place to come home to! But as I’m getting further into my career, working long hours, trying to get research done so that I can get onto the training program I want to get onto, trying to study for exams, and trying to make the most of the time I do have with my family, things have been changing. Nic is cooking far more meals than he ever did before, which is a huge blessing and I’m grateful for it. Yet deep down, I’m a bit nervous when he cooks meals that I usually make…what if he stuffs it up, or worse, what if it’s better than mine? Does that make me any less of a wife? And he wants at least a 50/50 role, if not more, in the house décor…does that make me less of a woman? And when he and my daughter share special moments together, and I can’t be there, does that make me less of a mum? You see, I burst into tears when my husband didn’t like the bed I wanted not because I really care that much about a bed. I was upset because in many ways I don’t know what my role is anymore, or where I stand. Have I lost some of who I am?

The short answer to all of that, I know, is no. Because in the end, my husband would still love it if I cooked every night…he’s just trying to help out. And even if I never cooked again, it wouldn’t matter, because that doesn’t define me as a woman or a wife. Our love for each other defines that. And it doesn’t matter to my daughter that I go to work, because when I get home, or when we chat on facetime, I’m just her mum, and that’s all that matters to her. And if I only see her when she climbs into my side of the bed in the middle of the night, that cuddle is as precious as any other.  And the reality is, I still have a say about what bed we choose or what picture we buy for the wall!

Men and women I believe are created differently. Women do tend to be the nurturers, and men do tend to be protectors and providers…I’m oversimplifying and generalizing, but you get the gist. But that doesn’t mean that we have to take ‘traditional’ family roles. It doesn’t mean that I’m not called to be a surgeon, to be the one to go to work, and my hubby shouldn’t stay at home. We are who we were created to be, and on the rollercoaster that is our lives, I am clinging to that and to God’s promise that he will make our paths straight if we trust Him!! (Prov 3:5-6.)”

-Aims